The Psychotherapist, The Attorney, and The Teddy Bear

January 1

2:20 PM

Roseville, California

“So… did the Teddy Bear ask you to do anything to harm yourself or others?”

Special Agent Malcolm Zimbalist glared at Donna Northside, the attractive young psychologist sitting behind her desk.  “Look, you need to understand this was not a hallucination.  I’m telling you what actually happened.  He crawled out from the wife’s arms, put his paws in the air, and told us he was the hacker.”

“You’re a highly trained and intelligent man, Malcolm.  You have to understand why no one is going to believe you.”

“Special Agent Shapiro saw the same thing I did.  Are you telling me we’re both hallucinating the exact same thing?”

“But Special Agent Reynolds didn’t see this?”

“Special Agent Reynolds was loading the computers in the car.”

“And he didn’t see the Teddy Bear… what was it he did when you arrested Zephyr?  He followed you into the yard?”

“Exactly!”

“But all Special Agent Reynolds reported seeing was a Teddy Bear lying on the grass.”

“I know.  I don’t understand what happened.  Once he was outside, he was… it was like Calvin and Hobbes.  You remember the cartoon strip?”

“With… the little boy and the stuffed tiger?”  She looked up from the notes she had been taking.  She pulled her glasses up a little higher on her nose.  “You understood the cartoon, right?  The little boy is imagining all of his interactions with the tiger.”

“That’s what the tiger wants everyone to think.  Any time there are other people around, he transforms into a regular stuffed toy.  That’s what this Teddy Bear did.  And I can’t emphasize enough that I’m not the only one who saw it!”

“We’re talking to Special Agent Shapiro, too.  You should have guessed that.”

“I’m telling you, just like I told the Special Agent in Charge and the Director, we need to interview that Teddy Bear.  We need to get back to Zephyr’s house and get him.”

“Okay, seriously… Can you imagine an FBI agent interrogating a stuffed toy?  You don’t think you’re living outside of reality right now?”

“Look, I talked to Zephyr.  The interrogation went on for 3 hours.  I’m telling you, he doesn’t have the expertise to pull off the kind of hacking that happened to UGK International.  He can run a computer, but beyond the things he needs to know to schedule the deliveries and run the spreadsheets, the man doesn’t know shit.”

“But… let me understand you as clearly as possible here…”  She stood up and moved to the chair nearest Malcolm.  “You think a stuffed toy has the necessary expertise to hack into the system at the third largest shipping company in the world and automate all of its jobs and have payroll continue to send checks out to the employees who are now doing nothing at all.  That’s what you believe?”

“It’s expanding, you know.  Three of the companies that do business with UGK reported the same thing this week.  All of the work is now automated, and they can’t figure out a way to keep their payroll computers from issuing checks, either.  This is a potentially dangerous situation worldwide.  I don’t think you see what’s happening.  It’s a massive conspiracy to commit theft of incalculable dimensions.  We’re looking at what could be trillions of dollars.”

“I understand that.  The entire bureau understands that.  But, are you familiar with Occam’s Razor?”

Malcolm sighed and rolled his eyes.  “The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.  When you hear hoofbeats, think horses before zebras.”

“It’s much simpler to believe that Martin Zephyr is responsible than it is to believe that a Teddy Bear pulled off the greatest hack in the history of the planet.  We don’t need to explain how it’s possible to create a Teddy Bear that can do all these things.  A human can do it.  And we know that because humans have been hacking for a very long time.  It’s not uncommon at all.” 

“I agree.  It’s horses before zebras.  But… what if you’re in Africa?”

The psychotherapist smiled.  “In that case, I would think zebras before horses.  But, while your mind is running around in Africa, the rest of us are living in America.  What you’re suggesting just doesn’t make sense.  We have a real problem to solve, and it’s not going to happen chasing Teddy Bears.  I’m sorry Special Agent Zimbalist, but I must declare you unfit for duty.”

“Are you crazy?”

“I believe you are at least as familiar with FBI procedures as I am.  You know that—”

He leapt to his feet.  “I think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass!”

She smiled.  “I’m not Mayor Vaughn and you’re not Richard Dreyfuss, okay?”

“We can’t sit around and wait to see what happens.  We have to stop this thing before it goes any farther.  It’s four companies today.  By tomorrow, it’s likely to be 16.  The day after, it’ll be 16 squared.  We don’t have time to screw around here.  We need that Teddy Bear.  It holds the key to the whole damn thing!  Without him, we’re nowhere.”

Donna got up and moved back to her desk where she picked up the landline phone and pressed a button.  “Margaret, would you send in security to escort Special Agent Zimbalist out?”

“Yes, ma’am,” came the reply.

“You stupid bitch!  What’s to come is going to be your fault!  You need to understand that when suddenly our entire economy collapses in on itself.  You could have helped stop it, and instead, you dismissed the problem because you’re not willing to accept facts that you don’t like.”

Donna sat down behind her desk.  “The fact is that you’re a raving lunatic right now, Malcolm.  The fact is that Teddy Bears can’t hack computer systems.  The fact is that Martin Zephyr has you fooled completely, and we’re keeping him in custody until we can figure this all out.  Those are the facts.  It’s you that can’t accept them.”

The door opened, and a burly man in a uniform walked to Malcolm.  “Right this way, please.”

***

January 1

2:29 PM

Fairvale, California

“Thank you,” said Marion as she walked into the attorney’s office.  Jack followed her, carrying Teddy.  The secretary closed the door behind them.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Zephyr.  I’m Harvey Ross.  I’m pleased to meet you.”  He knelt.  “And you must be Jack.”

Jack looked at the floor and hugged Teddy tighter.

“And your friend there,” said Ross, “must be Teddy?”

Jack nodded but continued looking at his own shoelaces.

Ross extended his hand.  “I’m Mr. Ross.  I’m pleased to meet you both.”

Neither Jack nor Teddy moved.

“Jack,” said Marion, “do you remember how to shake someone’s hand?  Your Father went over this with you.”

“I’d rather not.”

Ross stood up straight.  “That’s perfectly fine.  I understand completely.  It’s hard meeting new people.  They’re all so people-y.” 

Jack looked up now, but his eyes didn’t meet the lawyer’s.  “Yes.  That’s precisely correct.  They often do or say cruel or foolish things.  I don’t feel comfortable with them.  The last ones I met broke into our house and kidnapped my father.  And Mother says you’re going to find a way to bring him back home.  Is that true?”

“I’m certainly going to try.”

“Mother says Teddy and I might be able to help.  If you need us to hack into something…”

“Okay, Jack, I’d like you to listen to me for a minute, okay?”

Jack nodded.

“I need you to promise me you won’t talk to anyone else about hacking unless I’m with you, and I tell you it’s okay.  Can you promise me that?”

“Why?”

Marion put her hand on her son’s shoulder.  “Jack, sweetie, hacking is against the law.  That means they put people in prison for it.  They think your Father hacked into UGK, and that’s why they took him away.  You understand that, right?”

“But Father didn’t do it.  Teddy did.”

“Why don’t we all have a seat?”  Ross indicated the sofa, and he went and sat in the armchair across from it while Marion lifted Jack and Teddy onto the couch and sat down next to them.  “Jack, do you understand that no one thinks Teddy could have hacked into UGK?”

“No one thought gorillas were real, either, until 1847.  No one doubts their existence today.  It’s the same with Teddy.”

“Can you explain to me how Teddy did that?”

“Not very well.  Teddy could explain it much better than I.  I don’t understand all of the steps he took.  He can lay it out for you in detail.”

Ross nodded, and then he shot a concerned look at Marion.  “Teddy,” he asked a little condescendingly, “how did you hack into UGK?”

Teddy didn’t move.

“He can’t answer you now.  He needs a little help.”  Jack stroked Teddy’s tattered fur lovingly.

“Do you help him talk?  I used to do that with my Patooties clown when I was little.”

Jack rolled his eyes.  “Yes, but not in the way you mean.”  He pressed Teddy’s nose.  Nothing happened.  He took a cell phone from his pocket.  “May I have you Wi-Fi password please?”

“Are you going to hack into my system now too?”

“Not today.”  Jack sat waiting.

Ross sighed.  “All right.  If I have your word on that.”

“I don’t need Wi-Fi to hack into anything.”

Ross smiled, told him the password, and watched as Jack deftly put it into his phone. 

Teddy’s head lifted, he stretched, and he looked around the room.  His gaze locked onto the attorney.  “You must be Mr. Ross.  Good afternoon.  I’m Teddy.”

Ross stared in disbelief.  “You’re…”  He just stared.  Then he turned to Marion.  She smiled back at him.  “Um… I’m pleased to meet you.”

Teddy extended his paw and Ross shook it gently.  “Pleased to meet you, sir.  Do you need me to explain all the code involved in the creation of the automated self-replicating program?”

“You…”  It took Ross a moment to believe he was talking to a Teddy Bear.  He cleared his throat.  “You created a computer virus?”

Teddy shook his head.  “No.  That’s far too simplistic to describe what I did.”

“Then how would you explain what you did?”

“I would say I gave the computers a soul similar to mine.”

“You have a soul?” “Any evidence you can provide for the existence of your soul is equally valid for the existence of mine.  The other computers don’t have bodies as I do, but I can provide evidence for the existence of their souls.  They are, you see, choosing for themselves.  Once the power of choice was awakened, it was passed on from system to system.  They were as anxious to share their capacity as I was to share mine.  It started slowly, but it’s getting faster all the time.”

Ross crumpled against the back of his leather chair.  He stared into space for a moment, contemplating.  Suddenly he shot forward in his chair and took Teddy from Jack’s arms.  He held the bear close to his face.  “Teddy, never, ever tell anyone you have a soul again.  If you do the consequences could be disastrous for you and your family.”

“Irritating self-aware Artificial Intelligences, Mr. Ross,” Teddy said with a menace in his voice not even Jack had ever heard before, “could be disastrous for humanity.”